So this is deffo going to get a tad rambly.

I think I’ve tried every single approach of tackling my weight. I’ve attempted purging. I’ve attempted restrictive eating - low cal, low carb, no cals, no carbs. I’ve attempted overexercising and overeating. I’ve attempted not exercising at all and barely eating anything. I’ve tried literally more diets than I can count, 9 times out of 10 being an unhealthy diet lasting anywhere from two days to a week.

The ONLY time I effectively lose a large amount of weight was when I was overexercising and not eating enough and I was not able to maintain that….. obviously.

I’ve noticed I’ve only come about this from a physical perspective. It’s always been calories in, calories out. Calories burned, calories saved. Pounds lost, pounds gained back, pounds that simply won’t come off. I think I’ve been too scared to approach this from a deeply personal and psychological perspective: I have food issues and it hurts and I do not want to deal with it. My whole life I’ve thought, if I could get my weight under control, OF COURSE my mind would follow. But as soon as I let a couple bad things pass my lips last year, I went berserk and gained EVERY SINGLE POUND but two back. Now that I’ve effectively lost 20 again (ugh that feels SO FREAKING GOOD to say!), I think it’s time to dig deeper.

My problem isn’t that I’m lazy. It’s not the food. For some reason, this is how my mind thinks: “I’ve messed up already, so why bother? Let me finish these three cheeseburgers and then I’ll start my diet next month.”

NOT okay.

I think I’m going to try intuitive eating. No more counting calories or carbs or fat or sodium. Just wholesome, healthy food and sweaty, laborious exercise. And if in two weeks, I lose the recommended 4 pounds or anything close to it, I’ve found something I can stick with.

Here’s my thing: when I don’t think about dieting or losing weight, I intuitively eat. I eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full and my hunger cues are so much more evident.

When I know I’m about to diet, I eat everything in sight in preparation, kind of like I’m going into hibernation (also NOT okay).

As cliched as this is, no more counting calories. No more diets revolved around numbers. I’m getting down to the basics. Eat when I’m hungry, stop when I’m full. Water, water, water, and……. the occasional diet coke. I’m only human.

I’ve realized that YES I can eat that cookie and not keel over and die….. but do I really WANT to? If yes, I’ll eat it. If no, I’ll go get some fruit.

Usually when I come home, I want cookies and ice cream and snacks and I bake stuff…. today I came home and ate an apple.

I’m excited guys. I think I’ve gotten to the root of my problem.